The trouble with praise
Take a compliment already!
“Well done! You’re so great at this, aren’t you!”
Feels good, doesn’t it?
…doesn’t it…?
If you’re managing other people, being liberal with positive feedback really matters. When we’re criticised, we respond as if to physical threat - we move into fight or flight mode, and our ability to think quite literally shuts down. We’re primed for action, not creative problem-solving. So if you want people around you to be able to think, then you need to be offering positive reinforcement. And I’m not talking about the proverbial s**t sandwich. Believe it or not, you’re shooting for a ratio of 8 or even 10 to one, not 2. (Northern Europeans will likely find this daunting; North Americans, not so much. One to be especially alert to if you’re managing trans-Atlantically.)
So what’s the problem with praise? Well, on one level - not much. But there’s not much right with it either.
The feedback we need
If you care about developing your team, and you care about growing yourself (and if not… let’s chat…!), then praise is missing pretty much all the info we need in order to learn and grow. For example:
What exactly was praiseworthy?
What was the impact of what I did?
How can I repeat or improve on it?
Where am I going next?
(Considered, truly nourishing feedback, will include all, or a good portion, of the above.)
The identity-based ‘lock-in’
Sometimes, though, praise can be actually inhibit our ability to grow and develop. This happens when praise is targeted at the self, rather than the behaviour. In other words, when we make a statement about who a person is, not what it is they have done.
If you’re a parent of young children, you might be familiar with the idea. To build resilience in kids, we are encouraged to praise effort, self-regulation, and behaviours, rather than identity. You want to try to avoid, “darling! You’re the next Monet!” or, “you’re great at drawing” and opt instead for, “you’ve worked patiently at that for 30 minutes. I can see the difference in your shading with all that practice,” or perhaps, “the way you have combined blue and yellow has made a really interesting green, I wonder what happens when we combine other colours?”
When we direct praise at the person, not the behaviour, we actually discourage challenge-seeking behaviours. If I’m “a born artist!” after a few scribbles in felt-tip, then the only way is down, not up. Children who are praised like this are less likely to try a new, harder challenge. Because now, if they fail, their very identity is on the line.
The growth mindset
Don’t imagine for a moment that this only relevant for the very young. You may be familiar with the idea of a Growth mindset or a Fixed mindset. When we have a Growth mindset, failure is simply a setback, a learning opportunity. We understand that perseverance supports future success. When we have a Fixed mindset, failure is a tragedy: Who even am I any more?
You may have had the experience of being praised and not quite knowing what to do with yourself. What’s wrong with me? You might ask. Can’t I take a compliment? Well, perhaps you felt the freezing effect of the fixed mindset.
You might also have experienced a power imbalance…
The pernicious power-play
When we pay a compliment, we’re expressly making a value judgement that implies (1) that we are in the position to judge, (2) we have the first idea what we’re talking about. Now, please know that I have no desire to ban compliments! But consider, perhaps, that you are a managing director who has invited a junior intern, fresh from college, to join a sales presentation you’re giving to a key client so they can experience what goes on in these pitches and get a sense of the business and how you position it.
After the meeting they say, “hey, you did really quite well didn’t you! Good job!”
Still think compliments are benign…?!
This isn’t to say that a junior colleague can’t, and shouldn’t, offer positive feedback to those above them. Many leaders are starved of positive feedback. The trick is to stick with what you actually know: the impact it had for you.
Consider the same intern. “When you used the metaphor about the iceberg, I understood our offer in a totally different way. I noticed that some of the clients started smiling when you said it, too.” Now that’s something we can work with.
Learning to lead
This distinction - between offering up how something has impacted us personally, and judging what we deem to be ‘good’ - is perhaps even more important in the reverse power structure, when someone more senior is praising someone more junior.
There are multiple points in our career when we are making some kind of leadership jump. It happens at at all sorts of different ages and experience levels, whether you’re a 22 year-old grad or 72 and on the advisory board. In these moments, we have to learn to make a distinction between what we ourselves value, and what others value in us.
This is difficult, because praise is (probably!) addictive. We’re hard-wired to love positive feedback. One study found that teenagers would rather receive praise than they would see their best friend, do their favourite hobby, drink alcohol or have sex. (Yes, really!). People liking you and being happy to have you around the campfire is pretty good for survival. So it can be very easy to get trapped into a cycle of another seeking another “hit” (social media likes, anyone?) rather than consulting our own likes, dislikes, values and aspirations.
But you need to know exactly what it is other people appreciate about you and how it affects them, so you can test whether this has any match whatsoever with what you yourself are trying to achieve.
Because if you’re just in the business of getting your next gold star, you’re not leading, you’re following.
Tips for Giving Praise
If it’s not genuine, and you want anything you say again to be believed, don’t. I want you to ‘up’ your ratio of positive:negative feedback, but it doesn’t count if it’s faked!
Get specific. Give detail and examples. Generalities offer very little value. Focus on the behaviour, rather than making inferences about the person.
Be clear about the impact the behaviour had for you - this is your specialist subject, and this information is a gift to the other person.
Tips for Receiving Praise
Welcome the compliment (“Thank you…”)
…whilst also getting the information you need to bolster your strengths and further your development. Try these questions:
“I’d love to understand more about what you thought was good, maybe it’s something I can do more of”
“What did you enjoy about what I did?”
“What was the impact for you?”
“How could it make it even better (for you)?”
Consult your own personal objectives for growth and development and see if there’s a match between where you’re going, and where you want to go.
© Tamzin Foster, January 2025
This article was originally published in Tamzin’s newsletter and on Substack
